Yes Man

Hi everyone.

Let me start by wishing everyone a very merry xmas, and I hope that you are surrounded by family and friends that you care about very much!

It has been a very crazy time over the last six months. A lot of ups and downs, not that there is anything different about that in my life. But this time some of the lows have been really low, and have taken me to a place I have never quite been before.

I am sure that everyone reading this had dealt with grief before in their life. It is something that we all go through. I have been through grief a few times in my life. I remember the effect losing each of my grandparents had on my life and as a nurse I have watched many people die, and have had a window into the grief that their families must be feeling. But still, nothing adequately prepared me for losing a family member, someone wonderful... That was only 27 years old.

I have been thinking about a lot since he passed away. I know they are normal thoughts, but I dont imagine that they are the most healthy for my mental wellbeing! Things that have eaten away at me the most, were the things that I never said. The things that I never got to tell him, the laughter we never got to share. Regrets. Regrets are the worst thing. I regret a lot of things. I regret keeping him at a distance, I regret not being closer to him. I even regret declining his offer when he asked me to drop everything and go to Japan with him and his friends.

I think about the fact that I am only 27 years old. If it were me, have I lived enough? What if it were me? What if I were to die tomorrow? Would I be content with people's memories of me? Have I been nice enough? Have I loved enough? Would people miss me? Would people have the same thoughts as I am having right now? Have I made the right decisions in my life? Have I let people go that I shouldn't have? Have I held onto people or things that I should have let go? Have I been focusing on the wrong things? What really matters anyway? Does anything really matter anyway?

I don't really know what I believe in at the moment. I like to think that he is there. Sometimes I swear I can see him or feel him, that when I talk to him he is listening. Sometimes I feel that he shows me things, gives me signs – sorts of synchronistic occurrences that give my heart that flutter of hope that it was his doing. Even though my logical brain knows that it is statistically nothing but a coincidence. But I still cling to them, these flutters of something else. Isn't that what faith is anyway? Even though you know in your logical mind, that nothing exists, there is still that hope, and that flutter... That AHH moment where logic doesn't matter, and feeling takes over.

I guess all I can do is be myself. I am a very spiritual person, with a wave of strong scepticism at the moment. I am very open minded, but realistic at the same time. Do I believe that he is still around? Of course I do. Because if I don't then what do I have? Because if he is not around, then everything I have worked so hard to believe in is a lie.

So he is there, and he is laughing at me for being such an idiot, and he wants me to say Yes to Japan in the next life.

Love Mel

Hold onto those who you love tightly, nothing lasts forever.

Patience is a Virtue??

Hi Everyone!

Amazing i know! to write in this thing two times in the space of only mere weeks! Writing phases i guess...

This time i wanted to talk a bit about something that has been driving me crazy over the past weeks, patience!!

As i am moderately sure those who know me would agree, i am quite a patient person. I am patient for a living... I am usually quite calm, controlled and can wait for things without getting too impatient. At the moment however, the universe is giving me a little lesson in patience.
As i mentioned in my last blog, i have been through waves of feeling spiritual and in tune, and not. Well i am still in the middle of a big NOT...

Unfortunately with this NOT comes FORGETTING what is important in life. I remember back to the time when i would never get worked up over waiting for something tangible. Let alone FRETTING for something tangible. But here I am, currently waiting for several tangible impending items or events which i could live without! But i must admit, i am quite happy to be driving myself batty over them. A new car, 6 weeks off work with an amazing holiday, a big party, a new camera.. this is the month of THINGS... that unfortunately i have to WAIT FOR!!!
So why, when i have all the resources within me to refrain from becoming irritated... all the resources to take things as they are and be thankful for what i have! So why do i want MORE AND MORE, and WANT to want more and more??? Is this spiritual lull so low that i would forget the things that really matter?? My mental health? My stress levels?? Why am i intent at the moment on working myself up over waiting for THINGS???

If today was my last day on earth, i would look down (or up or across or into - depending on what happens after we die really...) and be so ashamed of myself right now. I have lost my mojo! Lost my patience. Lost my ability to think; "Hey Mel... another week before you get your car is not the end of the world!"

Anyway i am sure that there is a lesson here for me somewhere... for example, perhaps all the waiting will be worth it... Or maybe I will crash my car the day i get it... I'm hoping its not the latter.

Warm waiting wishes!

Mel xoxo

PS- All this writing about it has actually made the tangible things seem not quite so urgent... Lets see how long i can hold it for...

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Patience is waiting, but not passively waiting... That is laziness.

(Hmm i think they are onto something here........)

Waves and calm waters

I read somewhere that life moves in waves. I guess thats true. You spend some time at the bottom for a while dreaming of the top and then little things happen and you start to move up a bit. Sometimes you climb a little way and then find yourself going back down again, and other times you suddenly and unexpectedly go up so quickly that you can't keep up! Other times you just get stuck dead calm waters, not really going anywhere... or the waves are all around you, and you are looking at them, and you can feel their movement... but you just can't seem to catch one!

For me my spirituality seems to go in waves. For 12 months there or so I was so tuned in. I was always happy and calm and content, I was always interested in improving myself and was so into making my mind healthy! I was good at not letting minor things get to me, and living as much in the moment that i could... But now I continue in a spiritual lull.
Luckily all the work that i put in improving myself and my coping abilities makes me content in the fact that everything is temporary, nothing lasts forever. We cant always be at the top!

What is really interesting in this whole thing, is that while my spiritual lull continues, my life has been really wonderful. My career is going along well, my friendships are good and my relationship is absolutely wonderful.
So i am not in a bad place at all, by any means! Things in my tangable life are better than they have ever been!!

But back there in the background i am feeling more disconnected from myself and the universe. Although as the wise Buddha once said, the middle way is the way to go...

Perhaps a lovely European holiday will help with my "universe connection" problem. Perhaps the reception will be better over there for a while...? And writing seems to make me feel better, so i shall write and write and write... www.melsholiday.blogspot.com

In the meantime, keep on truckin'

Mel xo


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Those who discover the middle way are like suns. They appear to be in motion, but in reality they make their stand at the midway point. - JJ Dewey

Episode 6 - Vegetarianism

Hi everyone,


I wanted to write about being a vegetarian today, because it is something that has been on my mind lately. I have a feeling though, that its going to turn more into a bit of a whinge...

Up until about 7 months ago, i was a big meat-eater. I would have meat every day. Chicken, beef, pork, bacon... I would eat it all... I always did have a small objection to eating meat, as i am sure a lot of you also have. I would stop for a few seconds before i ate it and thought to myself "Gee, this is a living creature". But I suppose due to the conditioning I have had all my life (being: eat meat, its good for you), the few seconds would only ever be that, a few seconds... And then i was chowing down on the cooked flesh of another creature...

When people ask me (and they ask me a lot, almost someone everyday) why I became a vegetarian, I usually give them some story about feeling sick if i eat meat, or "my body feels better now I don't eat it", which is not a lie... But they have nothing to do with why I stopped eating it.
Sometimes I even use the vipassana meditation I went to as an excuse. I know I shouldn't . I should just be open and honest. But I have noticed that a lot of people are plain rude to me about my non meat eating...

So then, why don't I eat meat anymore??

Because I just don't FRIGGING want to!

I do not want to eat the flesh of another animal!!!

Oh that feels so nice to say that! I am so sick of making excuses for the food I eat, or apologise for the food that I don't eat.

As hippy as this may sound: I believe that ALL life is precious. Fundamentally, down to the smaller units of matter, there is not one thing separating me from another living creature.
I do not want to eat another creature that may have a soul, that looks through its own eyes... That has its own thoughts...

So call me crazy, but I DON'T WANT TO EAT MEAT!!! So why do people look at me as though i should have come out of some mental institution, or escaped from some circus tent when I tell them that I don't eat meat!!?? Why do I find that I have to LIE to them, to make MYSELF feel better??

I am determined now, that the next person that asks me why i have "converted" to the vego clan, I am going to be honest with. I am going to say "I just didn't want to eat meat anymore".

I think that people get defensive. They think that just because I don't eat meat, that I am going to protest against the fact that they do, and make them feel bad for eating meat. Well I am sure that a lot of vegetarians do, but not me. I am not a converter... I am not going to tell someone off for something I had been doing myself for 26 years!!! Can't we all just get along??

I am vegetarian, and proud of it!! So stop giving me shit!!

Mel xoxoxo


You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, ill buy you a new car.

- Harvey Diamond

Episode 5 - A Harsh Lesson

Ah the 5th episode. I dont really know what this episode is going to be about, so i am going to wing it. I have had the urge to write and instead of supressing it, i have decided to just start typing. Only question is, where the hell am i going to start??

I have blabbed on in my blogs about some issues that are close to my heart. Really close to my heart. About being still, and being in the moment, and not allowing yourself to get caught up in trivial life issues. About letting go, and that everything changes, to enjoy silence and solitude.. To go with the flow of life and all that jazz...

Well ladies and gentlemen, for those of you who thought that i actually had it... For those of you who thought "Wow... Mel seems to have her shit sorted..." I would like to face the music so to speak, and admit what a complete loon I have been in the last 1.5 months... And how NOT sorted my shit has been...

Without getting too personal, after all this is a PUBLIC blog, that every Tom, Dick, Harry and potential ex husband is able to read *EKKK*, lets just say that these last one and a half months have been somewhat of a rollercoaster ride. Incredible highs, rock bottom lows... I am sure that all of you can relate. Anyway, the point is not what is actually happening... Its what has happened to my strength so to speak... Its about where i am at on the inside, and how the hell i get out of here and back to some sort of spiritual sanity!!??


I have seen many people close to me lose their way at times... Feel lost and alone. I am sure we have all been there. Something happens, and catches us at a low point, and BOOM!! The world metaphorically comes crashing down on us and we don't know what to do. I dont think we would quite be human if this didn't happen. What really interests me about these times though, is that we FORGET. We forget who we really are, and the strength we REALLY posess, and we get wrapped up in the drama. We get into this habit of feeling sorry for ourselves, and we dwell in it. We enjoy it almost. Its like a vaccum that sucks you back in. But where is the line? Where does it become unhealthy?

Its interesting how each different person reacts differently. Some people can't even see outside the vaccum they are in... There is no talking to some people... Others see glimpses, but are unable to step away... Or they see that they are able to, but believe they lack the power to move... Others spot it straight away and out they come...

As for me, after being on this ride for a month and a half, i have began to step back a little. To start being more aware. And let me tell you, it is so much better on this side of the fence. Although, to look back at the way i have reacted to things, and felt about things, and dealt with things, makes me very upset with myself!!! What happened?? Why have i been feeling so miserable?? How have i let a situation that i cannot control, effect me so much? Even the really wonderful times of the immediate past, have been tainted with this storm cloud that keeps crashing lightning down on me... And the really funny thing, is that i always HAVE been in control. I am in complete control of how i allow things to effect me. I KNOW THIS!! I have EXPERIENCED this!!! So how come i have let myself get so lost??? And even more importantly, HOW DO I FIX IT?? How do i get out and prevent getting sucked back in again??

Perhaps the answer to this question lies in the approach... I am going to jump out of myself completely for a moment and i am going to pretend that this is not me. What would i say if this were one of my friends going through this? What words of wisdom would i give? What inspirational speeches would i make?
First up i would suggest that they meditate. To get some peace and quiet from their mind for a while. To try and stop the constant mind chatter... To connect with themselves on a deeper level. EVERY DAY...
Secondly, I would suggest that they watch their thoughts and not become intertwined in their thoughts. Isn't that what every new age self help book is saying nowadays??
I would suggest that they keep a diary and keep getting everything out. A blog perhaps?
I would suggest that they converse with a bunch of crazy like-minded people who can help them through it. I would tell them to look up at the stars, to read books, to practice gratitude, to look for more meaning in little things, do some tarot or affirmation cards, i would tell them to practice the law of attraction!! What is the ironic thing about all of this?? (other than the obvious hippy factor??)

IM NOT DOING ANY OF THIS!!

No wonder i have been feeling frigging miserable!! I have been trying to avoid feeling miserable so much that i have not realised that i have been miserable. And i have been desperatly trying to hold on to the moments that are NOT miserable so much that I have not been able to fully embrace those moments... All my efforts to avoid misery, have led to MORE misery........ Jesus!!! the Buddhists are RIGHT!!! Far out!!! Why do we humans do this to ourselves??? No wonder we spend so many lifetimes trying to get it right!!! It seems almost impossible!!

So what now? Where do i go from here? Stay positive... keep meditating... FULLY ENJOY EACH MOMENT, no matter what is happening somewhere/some-when else... Stay cheerful, enjoy the lack of control...

One step at at time... One day at a time... At least i can feel the old spiritually sane Mel coming back!! And its about bloody time!!!!!!!!

Mel xoxo

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"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Seperate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which is always as it is."
- Eckhart Tolle

Episode 4 - Chaos and Stillness

Hi Everyone!

I know i have not written in this blog for a long time. I had a few emails asking about my experience at Vipassana, but have not yet been able to put everything down on paper. I figured it was about time to write SOMETHING about it, and for all of you who seemed to be interested in doing it yourselves after i spoke to you, hopefully it will give you a bit of a reminder.

But here is where the dilemma starts. I want to write down everything that happened and what i ate, and where i slept... How the meditations went. But I cant. If i give too much detail about the experience that i had, i may ruin it for others. And that would be the worst thing i could do.

But what i am going to explain, are some of the fundamental lessons that i have learned while i was there, and more importantly the lessons that i took away and kept after six months...

And i like lists, so here goes:

1. You are not your thoughts.
"Yeah yeah yeah" i hear you say... i have heard this one before... You are not your thoughts... tell me something i dont know... Well thats the thing. A lot of people DON'T know that. Most of the time in life, we get so swept up in our thoughts that they become our reality.

I read recently in some hippy book, that you have over 60 THOUSAND thoughts in every one day... And over 99% of them are crap. Useless crap. You know the thoughts... "Oh look at that over there, thats shiny", or "I hate this ad", or "Look at what they are wearing", "I hate this", "Why cant it be this way or that way?". Our head is full of these useless thoughts. And we get carried away with them. Follow them... Dwell on them...
We constantly live in the world of our thoughts, and these thoughts are never in the present. They are always in alternate realities, such as "what if's" or in the past dwelling on past mistakes, or even caught up in previous THOUGHTS... What a cycle!! And we are all in it!! Every one of us. Some more than others obviously, but everyone none the less.

So why do we have such an attachment to these thoughts?? Because we learn to become attached. From a very young age we learn to put labels on things, and to live in the world of the past or potential future.

In the experience that i had at Vipassana, i learned to be in the present moment. Obviously this isn't an experience that lasts forever... only very short times...

speaking of forever...

2. NOTHING lasts forever. EVERYTHING changes.
Every cell in our body is changing in every second. The person that you were when you started reading this chapter, you are not now. Chemically, your composition has changed, your structure. We are only a bunch of changing, moving cells. Emotional pain for example, does not last forever. It is ever changing and transforming... even if it is from one pain to another. But maybe, just maybe, if we acknowledge that its not going to last forever, we can get through it...

3. We can alter our PERCEPTIONS.
How awesome would it be, to not be upset about something anymore. Or to not be affected by something anymore. I like the analagy used by Neale Donald Walsh in "Conversations with God". You look down at a rock. Its just a rock right??? Sure... But from the ROCKS perspective, it is a magnificant structure, with billions of atoms moving at trememdous speeds. From the rocks perspective, it is tumultuous! It is loud and chaotic in there. It is forever changing, never staying the same... yet to us, its just a rock... So what are WE missing?? An astronaut looks down at the earth. It is just a rock right? It looks calm and serene. But from the EARTHs perspective, it is chaotic, billions of people, storms, weather... Spinning on its axis, ever changing. But from the astronaut's perspective, its a beautiful blue ball sitting in an endless nothing...
So if we can change the perceptions we have about our everyday life, there would be no limitations on how wonderful we can feel, even when the worst things are happening to us. We have the power to change every situation we are experiencing into a positive... To get away from being a victim, to be more at peace.

4. Meditate, Meditate, Meditate.
Once i got back from vipassana, i felt so in control... I was so informed, so pleased with myself that i let everything go to poo. I stopped meditating, stopped being so insightful and got back into my little shell... Even though i hate it there!! I couldn't stop it! And that is because i am so conditioned to feeling like that, to being in control. Continuous practice is the key to success.

5. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY
Your body tells you when you are tired, what you are feeling, how connected you are feeling. Your body speaks louder than we give it credit for. The experience i had allowed me to be connected to my body in a way i had never been before. To be able to experience almost down to a cellular level, the energy of my body. The power of my heart beating, the softness of a breeze against my skin. The warmth that I generate. It was an amazing experience to be so connected. And i have not felt so connected since then. But i have realised that i need to listen to my body more, to acknowledge it and enjoy it.

I have always been one to believe that everything happens at the time it is supposed to, and that 'everything happens for a reason' and all of that...
Only days after returning from vipassana, I lost my beautiful Nan. She died of complications following a bad fall. She passed away quite peacefully with her family around her and we all got to say our goodbyes. The experience i had at vipassana truly helped me cope with this loss, both as it was happening, and in the days, weeks and months to follow. During vipassana, I remember vividly on one of the last days of the meditations, i heard a beautiful voice so powerful and clear. It said "Nan is going to leave this earth very soon. When you leave here you need to go to see her." This voice did not make me upset, the only way to explain it was a wonderful feeling of knowing. Knowing that everything changes, that life does not not last forever, and not to be upset, but to be at peace with it.
I believe this voice was not some spirit, or some divine prophecy. I believe that this was my inner voice, the voice of somewhere deep within my consciousness, where we are all connected as one. Where everything is connected as one. And to have tapped into that, even if just for ONE moment, is worth all the rest.

Mel xoxo



"Each must discover his own way in life, and that way lies in his heart.
Let him delve deeply into the depths of his being; his true centre is not far from there."

- N. Sri Ram

Episode 3 - Taking the Red Pill...

Hi Everyone!!

Gosh it feels so good to be writing again! It has been such a busy month and i have not taken the time out to stop and write. I apologise to the 2 or 3 people who actually enjoy reading this thing, and i hope that you enjoy this installment...

So, where did i leave you oh so long ago?? Ah Buddhism... The way of looking at things from another perspective, the way to gain some clarity and understanding...
Well after giving that speech, i had myself hooked... I became intensely interested in anything that even remotely LOOKED like it was associated with Buddhism... But life took over... Work, uni, college, work.... How was i going to gain a better understanding of anything to do with Buddhism if i had worked myself up into a stress over the due dates of assignments and abstracts... (The one thing that Buddhism would HELP me cope with I'm sure...). I was on the wrong track... I was missing the point of something here...

Way back in my first blog, i mentioned the intensive class that i did. During that class a type of meditation was mentioned in passing... It was called Vipassana. And for some reason, my ears pricked up... "What is this vipassana??" I asked my class mates...
"Well, you go and meditate for ten days, and you don't talk to anyone... Its torture, i only lasted 6 days, don't even bother thinking about it.." Said one of them.

Now those of you who know me know that if i hear something that sounds like a challenge, i tend to get a bit excited about the prospect... But nevertheless, i remained convinced that i shouldn't even bother looking into anything like that because i cant shut up for 5 minutes let alone TEN DAYS, and that if that girl couldn't stand 6 days, there was no way i would be able to handle it either...

So i put this out of my head and went on with my business, when the universe decided to play with my mind a little bit... VIPASSANA... I started hearing it everywhere... On the train, in the street... mentioned in a cd i was listening to, and a book that i was reading... for some reason i was being haunted by this word. And it kept coming back into my mind again... I was determined to ask this girl more about her experience when we got back to class, only to discover that she had dropped out of the course because she was finding it too difficult. And this was where i was really starting to think... I mean, this course is challenging on an emotional level sure, but i am really enjoying it and have never once thought of it as difficult... And then it dawned on me, everybody is different, and if she found this course challenging, perhaps she wasn't ready for ten days of intense meditation... But that doesn't mean that i am not... I figure i am a pretty strong person... So i looked it up...

As soon as i saw the website something was stirring within me, some yearning for knowledge or yearning for understanding... Something was happening and within minutes of arriving at the site i was looking up the dates that the course was run. I looked at the dates to courses and dates in my diary, and found one course that was running that was away from other major events in my life (ie assignment due dates and friends birthdays), and thought that would be perfect if only i could get the time off work. Determined to leave it up to fate and the universe, i went to work the next week to take a look at the holiday board to see if there was any chance that i was able to take that particular fortnight off. Looking at the big board with its many black marker lines and scribbles, i made my way to the dates that i had in my hand... And out of that month and all the months around it, THAT fortnight was the ONLY one that i COULD take time off... A sign perhaps??? so i took the leave and booked in for ten days of intense meditation experience...

VIPASSANA:
According to the many websites i have looked at, Vipassana meditation simply means to see things as they really are. To free the mind of cravings and to learn how to be aware of your thoughts, but not affected by them on an emotional level... To put your attention entirely on your body and how the different thoughts affect them... or something to that effect. According to all the stuff i have read, you spend a whole three days just at the start simply focusing on breathing during the meditations and letting the thoughts go and learning to focus inwards... Some people have claimed to have some very amazing experiences, some unworldly clarity, some curing of illness...

Talk about a boot camp though...

It is apparently quite difficult, some people don't make the whole ten days, some break down, and others have even had full blown psychotic episodes... yes i am serious... There is no talking, or making eye contact with anyone... no books, phones, writing materials, no games, no NOTHING for the entire duration of the course. Each day starts at 4am and you meditate for 12 hours of the day... Only light vegetarian meals are provided and only a bit after midday as to aid in meditation...

First up, for all those who's eyes are rolling thinking "How on earth is MEL going to do this?? TEN DAYS OF NOT TALKING???" Gosh i hear ya, i love to talk... So why am i doing it then?? Because you only live once, and i want to experience everything that i can in this life. This has called to me so much that i will regret it forever if i don't go, so I'm doing it.

Whether i actually make it ten days is another story, but we will cross that bridge if i come to it... :)

So later on today i shall take the red pill and make my way into the matrix, not to emerge until July... But whether i am successful or unsuccessful, hopefully i shall have a grand story to tell!!

Mel xoxo

PS - For more information on Vipasana meditation, this is a good place to start http://www.dhamma.org/en/art.shtml

I will leave you with some quotes, from the matrix because i see that fitting for this particular episode...

Spoon boy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Spoon boy: There is no spoon.
Neo: There is no spoon?
Spoon boy: Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.
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Morpheus: Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.
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(And my personal favourite for this episode...)
Cypher: I've been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?

xoxo