Hi Everyone!
Thanks to those of you who have read my blog, especially the last one, and contacted me with your kind words!
So, today I am going to blab on a little bit as per usual, and give you my thoughts about Wednesday!!
Wednesday I head back to Vipassana for another 10 day silent meditation course.
I am hearing two things a lot at the moment. Firstly, when i tell people that i am doing a 10 day Buddhist silent meditation course, they say "I COULD NEVER DO THAT!!!"... Let me assure you, that if I can do it, YOU can do it... I talk more than most people put together I am sure...
The second thing that I hear is "Why would you want to do that again??" So here is my answer...
Over the past year, no over a year now, I have been feeling a little disconnected with my spiritual side. Two years ago, I was in a very different place spiritually. I felt connected and happy, and i know that over time, i have let my habitual thoughts take shape again, and push me into a bit of a tedious existence. Not that anything is wrong with my life, on the contrary, things are great... But I feel that when things were worse, i was looking more at the positives, and finding the good things in all the crap... Now that I have gotten rid of the crap, I keep looking for it. Its like i want to bathe in the bad things. So even the wonderful things in my life i am looking negatively at!
One thing i am aware of though, is my awareness of these negative habitual thought patterns. I am aware that i am not quite right, i am aware that I need to fix things... But i keep looking backwards. Why cant things be like they used to be?? Why can't I be connected like i used to be??
The answer?? Because we can never relive our past. Nothing will ever be exactly the same again as it was at any time in the past. Everything changes and evolves. We change and evolve. At a time in my past where I used to have such instability in my life, I found stability in looking at the spiritual side. And now that I have a lot of stability, I am still looking for it elsewhere.
I am fully aware that I will never be "completely content", until I realise, not just in my analytical thoughts, but ACTUALLY FEEL deep down there somewhere, that I am already content, and just get out of these negative thought patterns.
But, its much easier said than done... When i have glimpses of relief, when I realise that there is nothing ever really wrong in the moment that we are in, it is wonderful... But then something will happen. Something stupidly small, and i will find myself lost again.
The last time that I did vipassana, I began to learn how to let go of the thoughts in my head. I started to BELIEVE and FEEL deep in my being, that there is no such thing as unhappiness outside of our thoughts... That "happiness" and "unhappiness" are just words to express where our thoughts are at. And that if we let go of our thoughts, there is just nothing... which ironically, is more beautiful than all the happiness you could imagine.
So, bring on the sore legs, the back aches, muscle cramps and physical pain of hours upon hours of meditating... Bring on the silence and not having to bitch, and whinge and chat chat chat chat!!! Gosh! I am so excited!!! I cant wait to take a holiday from my head!!!
Love to all! Catch ya in 10 days or so!!
Mel xoxo
Showing posts with label vipassana. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vipassana. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Monday, November 30, 2009
Episode 4 - Chaos and Stillness
Hi Everyone!
I know i have not written in this blog for a long time. I had a few emails asking about my experience at Vipassana, but have not yet been able to put everything down on paper. I figured it was about time to write SOMETHING about it, and for all of you who seemed to be interested in doing it yourselves after i spoke to you, hopefully it will give you a bit of a reminder.
But here is where the dilemma starts. I want to write down everything that happened and what i ate, and where i slept... How the meditations went. But I cant. If i give too much detail about the experience that i had, i may ruin it for others. And that would be the worst thing i could do.
But what i am going to explain, are some of the fundamental lessons that i have learned while i was there, and more importantly the lessons that i took away and kept after six months...
And i like lists, so here goes:
1. You are not your thoughts.
"Yeah yeah yeah" i hear you say... i have heard this one before... You are not your thoughts... tell me something i dont know... Well thats the thing. A lot of people DON'T know that. Most of the time in life, we get so swept up in our thoughts that they become our reality.
I read recently in some hippy book, that you have over 60 THOUSAND thoughts in every one day... And over 99% of them are crap. Useless crap. You know the thoughts... "Oh look at that over there, thats shiny", or "I hate this ad", or "Look at what they are wearing", "I hate this", "Why cant it be this way or that way?". Our head is full of these useless thoughts. And we get carried away with them. Follow them... Dwell on them...
We constantly live in the world of our thoughts, and these thoughts are never in the present. They are always in alternate realities, such as "what if's" or in the past dwelling on past mistakes, or even caught up in previous THOUGHTS... What a cycle!! And we are all in it!! Every one of us. Some more than others obviously, but everyone none the less.
So why do we have such an attachment to these thoughts?? Because we learn to become attached. From a very young age we learn to put labels on things, and to live in the world of the past or potential future.
In the experience that i had at Vipassana, i learned to be in the present moment. Obviously this isn't an experience that lasts forever... only very short times...
speaking of forever...
2. NOTHING lasts forever. EVERYTHING changes.
Every cell in our body is changing in every second. The person that you were when you started reading this chapter, you are not now. Chemically, your composition has changed, your structure. We are only a bunch of changing, moving cells. Emotional pain for example, does not last forever. It is ever changing and transforming... even if it is from one pain to another. But maybe, just maybe, if we acknowledge that its not going to last forever, we can get through it...
3. We can alter our PERCEPTIONS.
How awesome would it be, to not be upset about something anymore. Or to not be affected by something anymore. I like the analagy used by Neale Donald Walsh in "Conversations with God". You look down at a rock. Its just a rock right??? Sure... But from the ROCKS perspective, it is a magnificant structure, with billions of atoms moving at trememdous speeds. From the rocks perspective, it is tumultuous! It is loud and chaotic in there. It is forever changing, never staying the same... yet to us, its just a rock... So what are WE missing?? An astronaut looks down at the earth. It is just a rock right? It looks calm and serene. But from the EARTHs perspective, it is chaotic, billions of people, storms, weather... Spinning on its axis, ever changing. But from the astronaut's perspective, its a beautiful blue ball sitting in an endless nothing...
So if we can change the perceptions we have about our everyday life, there would be no limitations on how wonderful we can feel, even when the worst things are happening to us. We have the power to change every situation we are experiencing into a positive... To get away from being a victim, to be more at peace.
4. Meditate, Meditate, Meditate.
Once i got back from vipassana, i felt so in control... I was so informed, so pleased with myself that i let everything go to poo. I stopped meditating, stopped being so insightful and got back into my little shell... Even though i hate it there!! I couldn't stop it! And that is because i am so conditioned to feeling like that, to being in control. Continuous practice is the key to success.
5. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY
Your body tells you when you are tired, what you are feeling, how connected you are feeling. Your body speaks louder than we give it credit for. The experience i had allowed me to be connected to my body in a way i had never been before. To be able to experience almost down to a cellular level, the energy of my body. The power of my heart beating, the softness of a breeze against my skin. The warmth that I generate. It was an amazing experience to be so connected. And i have not felt so connected since then. But i have realised that i need to listen to my body more, to acknowledge it and enjoy it.
I have always been one to believe that everything happens at the time it is supposed to, and that 'everything happens for a reason' and all of that...
Only days after returning from vipassana, I lost my beautiful Nan. She died of complications following a bad fall. She passed away quite peacefully with her family around her and we all got to say our goodbyes. The experience i had at vipassana truly helped me cope with this loss, both as it was happening, and in the days, weeks and months to follow. During vipassana, I remember vividly on one of the last days of the meditations, i heard a beautiful voice so powerful and clear. It said "Nan is going to leave this earth very soon. When you leave here you need to go to see her." This voice did not make me upset, the only way to explain it was a wonderful feeling of knowing. Knowing that everything changes, that life does not not last forever, and not to be upset, but to be at peace with it.
I believe this voice was not some spirit, or some divine prophecy. I believe that this was my inner voice, the voice of somewhere deep within my consciousness, where we are all connected as one. Where everything is connected as one. And to have tapped into that, even if just for ONE moment, is worth all the rest.
Mel xoxo
"Each must discover his own way in life, and that way lies in his heart.
Let him delve deeply into the depths of his being; his true centre is not far from there."
- N. Sri Ram
I know i have not written in this blog for a long time. I had a few emails asking about my experience at Vipassana, but have not yet been able to put everything down on paper. I figured it was about time to write SOMETHING about it, and for all of you who seemed to be interested in doing it yourselves after i spoke to you, hopefully it will give you a bit of a reminder.
But here is where the dilemma starts. I want to write down everything that happened and what i ate, and where i slept... How the meditations went. But I cant. If i give too much detail about the experience that i had, i may ruin it for others. And that would be the worst thing i could do.
But what i am going to explain, are some of the fundamental lessons that i have learned while i was there, and more importantly the lessons that i took away and kept after six months...
And i like lists, so here goes:
1. You are not your thoughts.
"Yeah yeah yeah" i hear you say... i have heard this one before... You are not your thoughts... tell me something i dont know... Well thats the thing. A lot of people DON'T know that. Most of the time in life, we get so swept up in our thoughts that they become our reality.
I read recently in some hippy book, that you have over 60 THOUSAND thoughts in every one day... And over 99% of them are crap. Useless crap. You know the thoughts... "Oh look at that over there, thats shiny", or "I hate this ad", or "Look at what they are wearing", "I hate this", "Why cant it be this way or that way?". Our head is full of these useless thoughts. And we get carried away with them. Follow them... Dwell on them...
We constantly live in the world of our thoughts, and these thoughts are never in the present. They are always in alternate realities, such as "what if's" or in the past dwelling on past mistakes, or even caught up in previous THOUGHTS... What a cycle!! And we are all in it!! Every one of us. Some more than others obviously, but everyone none the less.
So why do we have such an attachment to these thoughts?? Because we learn to become attached. From a very young age we learn to put labels on things, and to live in the world of the past or potential future.
In the experience that i had at Vipassana, i learned to be in the present moment. Obviously this isn't an experience that lasts forever... only very short times...
speaking of forever...
2. NOTHING lasts forever. EVERYTHING changes.
Every cell in our body is changing in every second. The person that you were when you started reading this chapter, you are not now. Chemically, your composition has changed, your structure. We are only a bunch of changing, moving cells. Emotional pain for example, does not last forever. It is ever changing and transforming... even if it is from one pain to another. But maybe, just maybe, if we acknowledge that its not going to last forever, we can get through it...
3. We can alter our PERCEPTIONS.
How awesome would it be, to not be upset about something anymore. Or to not be affected by something anymore. I like the analagy used by Neale Donald Walsh in "Conversations with God". You look down at a rock. Its just a rock right??? Sure... But from the ROCKS perspective, it is a magnificant structure, with billions of atoms moving at trememdous speeds. From the rocks perspective, it is tumultuous! It is loud and chaotic in there. It is forever changing, never staying the same... yet to us, its just a rock... So what are WE missing?? An astronaut looks down at the earth. It is just a rock right? It looks calm and serene. But from the EARTHs perspective, it is chaotic, billions of people, storms, weather... Spinning on its axis, ever changing. But from the astronaut's perspective, its a beautiful blue ball sitting in an endless nothing...
So if we can change the perceptions we have about our everyday life, there would be no limitations on how wonderful we can feel, even when the worst things are happening to us. We have the power to change every situation we are experiencing into a positive... To get away from being a victim, to be more at peace.
4. Meditate, Meditate, Meditate.
Once i got back from vipassana, i felt so in control... I was so informed, so pleased with myself that i let everything go to poo. I stopped meditating, stopped being so insightful and got back into my little shell... Even though i hate it there!! I couldn't stop it! And that is because i am so conditioned to feeling like that, to being in control. Continuous practice is the key to success.
5. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY
Your body tells you when you are tired, what you are feeling, how connected you are feeling. Your body speaks louder than we give it credit for. The experience i had allowed me to be connected to my body in a way i had never been before. To be able to experience almost down to a cellular level, the energy of my body. The power of my heart beating, the softness of a breeze against my skin. The warmth that I generate. It was an amazing experience to be so connected. And i have not felt so connected since then. But i have realised that i need to listen to my body more, to acknowledge it and enjoy it.
I have always been one to believe that everything happens at the time it is supposed to, and that 'everything happens for a reason' and all of that...
Only days after returning from vipassana, I lost my beautiful Nan. She died of complications following a bad fall. She passed away quite peacefully with her family around her and we all got to say our goodbyes. The experience i had at vipassana truly helped me cope with this loss, both as it was happening, and in the days, weeks and months to follow. During vipassana, I remember vividly on one of the last days of the meditations, i heard a beautiful voice so powerful and clear. It said "Nan is going to leave this earth very soon. When you leave here you need to go to see her." This voice did not make me upset, the only way to explain it was a wonderful feeling of knowing. Knowing that everything changes, that life does not not last forever, and not to be upset, but to be at peace with it.
I believe this voice was not some spirit, or some divine prophecy. I believe that this was my inner voice, the voice of somewhere deep within my consciousness, where we are all connected as one. Where everything is connected as one. And to have tapped into that, even if just for ONE moment, is worth all the rest.
Mel xoxo
"Each must discover his own way in life, and that way lies in his heart.
Let him delve deeply into the depths of his being; his true centre is not far from there."
- N. Sri Ram
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Episode 3 - Taking the Red Pill...
Hi Everyone!!
Gosh it feels so good to be writing again! It has been such a busy month and i have not taken the time out to stop and write. I apologise to the 2 or 3 people who actually enjoy reading this thing, and i hope that you enjoy this installment...
So, where did i leave you oh so long ago?? Ah Buddhism... The way of looking at things from another perspective, the way to gain some clarity and understanding...
Well after giving that speech, i had myself hooked... I became intensely interested in anything that even remotely LOOKED like it was associated with Buddhism... But life took over... Work, uni, college, work.... How was i going to gain a better understanding of anything to do with Buddhism if i had worked myself up into a stress over the due dates of assignments and abstracts... (The one thing that Buddhism would HELP me cope with I'm sure...). I was on the wrong track... I was missing the point of something here...
Way back in my first blog, i mentioned the intensive class that i did. During that class a type of meditation was mentioned in passing... It was called Vipassana. And for some reason, my ears pricked up... "What is this vipassana??" I asked my class mates...
"Well, you go and meditate for ten days, and you don't talk to anyone... Its torture, i only lasted 6 days, don't even bother thinking about it.." Said one of them.
Now those of you who know me know that if i hear something that sounds like a challenge, i tend to get a bit excited about the prospect... But nevertheless, i remained convinced that i shouldn't even bother looking into anything like that because i cant shut up for 5 minutes let alone TEN DAYS, and that if that girl couldn't stand 6 days, there was no way i would be able to handle it either...
So i put this out of my head and went on with my business, when the universe decided to play with my mind a little bit... VIPASSANA... I started hearing it everywhere... On the train, in the street... mentioned in a cd i was listening to, and a book that i was reading... for some reason i was being haunted by this word. And it kept coming back into my mind again... I was determined to ask this girl more about her experience when we got back to class, only to discover that she had dropped out of the course because she was finding it too difficult. And this was where i was really starting to think... I mean, this course is challenging on an emotional level sure, but i am really enjoying it and have never once thought of it as difficult... And then it dawned on me, everybody is different, and if she found this course challenging, perhaps she wasn't ready for ten days of intense meditation... But that doesn't mean that i am not... I figure i am a pretty strong person... So i looked it up...
As soon as i saw the website something was stirring within me, some yearning for knowledge or yearning for understanding... Something was happening and within minutes of arriving at the site i was looking up the dates that the course was run. I looked at the dates to courses and dates in my diary, and found one course that was running that was away from other major events in my life (ie assignment due dates and friends birthdays), and thought that would be perfect if only i could get the time off work. Determined to leave it up to fate and the universe, i went to work the next week to take a look at the holiday board to see if there was any chance that i was able to take that particular fortnight off. Looking at the big board with its many black marker lines and scribbles, i made my way to the dates that i had in my hand... And out of that month and all the months around it, THAT fortnight was the ONLY one that i COULD take time off... A sign perhaps??? so i took the leave and booked in for ten days of intense meditation experience...
VIPASSANA:
According to the many websites i have looked at, Vipassana meditation simply means to see things as they really are. To free the mind of cravings and to learn how to be aware of your thoughts, but not affected by them on an emotional level... To put your attention entirely on your body and how the different thoughts affect them... or something to that effect. According to all the stuff i have read, you spend a whole three days just at the start simply focusing on breathing during the meditations and letting the thoughts go and learning to focus inwards... Some people have claimed to have some very amazing experiences, some unworldly clarity, some curing of illness...
Talk about a boot camp though...
It is apparently quite difficult, some people don't make the whole ten days, some break down, and others have even had full blown psychotic episodes... yes i am serious... There is no talking, or making eye contact with anyone... no books, phones, writing materials, no games, no NOTHING for the entire duration of the course. Each day starts at 4am and you meditate for 12 hours of the day... Only light vegetarian meals are provided and only a bit after midday as to aid in meditation...
First up, for all those who's eyes are rolling thinking "How on earth is MEL going to do this?? TEN DAYS OF NOT TALKING???" Gosh i hear ya, i love to talk... So why am i doing it then?? Because you only live once, and i want to experience everything that i can in this life. This has called to me so much that i will regret it forever if i don't go, so I'm doing it.
Whether i actually make it ten days is another story, but we will cross that bridge if i come to it... :)
So later on today i shall take the red pill and make my way into the matrix, not to emerge until July... But whether i am successful or unsuccessful, hopefully i shall have a grand story to tell!!
Mel xoxo
PS - For more information on Vipasana meditation, this is a good place to start http://www.dhamma.org/en/art.shtml
I will leave you with some quotes, from the matrix because i see that fitting for this particular episode...
Spoon boy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Spoon boy: There is no spoon.
Neo: There is no spoon?
Spoon boy: Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.
----
Morpheus: Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.
---
(And my personal favourite for this episode...)
Cypher: I've been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?
xoxo
Gosh it feels so good to be writing again! It has been such a busy month and i have not taken the time out to stop and write. I apologise to the 2 or 3 people who actually enjoy reading this thing, and i hope that you enjoy this installment...
So, where did i leave you oh so long ago?? Ah Buddhism... The way of looking at things from another perspective, the way to gain some clarity and understanding...
Well after giving that speech, i had myself hooked... I became intensely interested in anything that even remotely LOOKED like it was associated with Buddhism... But life took over... Work, uni, college, work.... How was i going to gain a better understanding of anything to do with Buddhism if i had worked myself up into a stress over the due dates of assignments and abstracts... (The one thing that Buddhism would HELP me cope with I'm sure...). I was on the wrong track... I was missing the point of something here...
Way back in my first blog, i mentioned the intensive class that i did. During that class a type of meditation was mentioned in passing... It was called Vipassana. And for some reason, my ears pricked up... "What is this vipassana??" I asked my class mates...
"Well, you go and meditate for ten days, and you don't talk to anyone... Its torture, i only lasted 6 days, don't even bother thinking about it.." Said one of them.
Now those of you who know me know that if i hear something that sounds like a challenge, i tend to get a bit excited about the prospect... But nevertheless, i remained convinced that i shouldn't even bother looking into anything like that because i cant shut up for 5 minutes let alone TEN DAYS, and that if that girl couldn't stand 6 days, there was no way i would be able to handle it either...
So i put this out of my head and went on with my business, when the universe decided to play with my mind a little bit... VIPASSANA... I started hearing it everywhere... On the train, in the street... mentioned in a cd i was listening to, and a book that i was reading... for some reason i was being haunted by this word. And it kept coming back into my mind again... I was determined to ask this girl more about her experience when we got back to class, only to discover that she had dropped out of the course because she was finding it too difficult. And this was where i was really starting to think... I mean, this course is challenging on an emotional level sure, but i am really enjoying it and have never once thought of it as difficult... And then it dawned on me, everybody is different, and if she found this course challenging, perhaps she wasn't ready for ten days of intense meditation... But that doesn't mean that i am not... I figure i am a pretty strong person... So i looked it up...
As soon as i saw the website something was stirring within me, some yearning for knowledge or yearning for understanding... Something was happening and within minutes of arriving at the site i was looking up the dates that the course was run. I looked at the dates to courses and dates in my diary, and found one course that was running that was away from other major events in my life (ie assignment due dates and friends birthdays), and thought that would be perfect if only i could get the time off work. Determined to leave it up to fate and the universe, i went to work the next week to take a look at the holiday board to see if there was any chance that i was able to take that particular fortnight off. Looking at the big board with its many black marker lines and scribbles, i made my way to the dates that i had in my hand... And out of that month and all the months around it, THAT fortnight was the ONLY one that i COULD take time off... A sign perhaps??? so i took the leave and booked in for ten days of intense meditation experience...
VIPASSANA:
According to the many websites i have looked at, Vipassana meditation simply means to see things as they really are. To free the mind of cravings and to learn how to be aware of your thoughts, but not affected by them on an emotional level... To put your attention entirely on your body and how the different thoughts affect them... or something to that effect. According to all the stuff i have read, you spend a whole three days just at the start simply focusing on breathing during the meditations and letting the thoughts go and learning to focus inwards... Some people have claimed to have some very amazing experiences, some unworldly clarity, some curing of illness...
Talk about a boot camp though...
It is apparently quite difficult, some people don't make the whole ten days, some break down, and others have even had full blown psychotic episodes... yes i am serious... There is no talking, or making eye contact with anyone... no books, phones, writing materials, no games, no NOTHING for the entire duration of the course. Each day starts at 4am and you meditate for 12 hours of the day... Only light vegetarian meals are provided and only a bit after midday as to aid in meditation...
First up, for all those who's eyes are rolling thinking "How on earth is MEL going to do this?? TEN DAYS OF NOT TALKING???" Gosh i hear ya, i love to talk... So why am i doing it then?? Because you only live once, and i want to experience everything that i can in this life. This has called to me so much that i will regret it forever if i don't go, so I'm doing it.
Whether i actually make it ten days is another story, but we will cross that bridge if i come to it... :)
So later on today i shall take the red pill and make my way into the matrix, not to emerge until July... But whether i am successful or unsuccessful, hopefully i shall have a grand story to tell!!
Mel xoxo
PS - For more information on Vipasana meditation, this is a good place to start http://www.dhamma.org/en/art.shtml
I will leave you with some quotes, from the matrix because i see that fitting for this particular episode...
Spoon boy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Spoon boy: There is no spoon.
Neo: There is no spoon?
Spoon boy: Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.
----
Morpheus: Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.
---
(And my personal favourite for this episode...)
Cypher: I've been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?
xoxo
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