Yes Man

Hi everyone.

Let me start by wishing everyone a very merry xmas, and I hope that you are surrounded by family and friends that you care about very much!

It has been a very crazy time over the last six months. A lot of ups and downs, not that there is anything different about that in my life. But this time some of the lows have been really low, and have taken me to a place I have never quite been before.

I am sure that everyone reading this had dealt with grief before in their life. It is something that we all go through. I have been through grief a few times in my life. I remember the effect losing each of my grandparents had on my life and as a nurse I have watched many people die, and have had a window into the grief that their families must be feeling. But still, nothing adequately prepared me for losing a family member, someone wonderful... That was only 27 years old.

I have been thinking about a lot since he passed away. I know they are normal thoughts, but I dont imagine that they are the most healthy for my mental wellbeing! Things that have eaten away at me the most, were the things that I never said. The things that I never got to tell him, the laughter we never got to share. Regrets. Regrets are the worst thing. I regret a lot of things. I regret keeping him at a distance, I regret not being closer to him. I even regret declining his offer when he asked me to drop everything and go to Japan with him and his friends.

I think about the fact that I am only 27 years old. If it were me, have I lived enough? What if it were me? What if I were to die tomorrow? Would I be content with people's memories of me? Have I been nice enough? Have I loved enough? Would people miss me? Would people have the same thoughts as I am having right now? Have I made the right decisions in my life? Have I let people go that I shouldn't have? Have I held onto people or things that I should have let go? Have I been focusing on the wrong things? What really matters anyway? Does anything really matter anyway?

I don't really know what I believe in at the moment. I like to think that he is there. Sometimes I swear I can see him or feel him, that when I talk to him he is listening. Sometimes I feel that he shows me things, gives me signs – sorts of synchronistic occurrences that give my heart that flutter of hope that it was his doing. Even though my logical brain knows that it is statistically nothing but a coincidence. But I still cling to them, these flutters of something else. Isn't that what faith is anyway? Even though you know in your logical mind, that nothing exists, there is still that hope, and that flutter... That AHH moment where logic doesn't matter, and feeling takes over.

I guess all I can do is be myself. I am a very spiritual person, with a wave of strong scepticism at the moment. I am very open minded, but realistic at the same time. Do I believe that he is still around? Of course I do. Because if I don't then what do I have? Because if he is not around, then everything I have worked so hard to believe in is a lie.

So he is there, and he is laughing at me for being such an idiot, and he wants me to say Yes to Japan in the next life.

Love Mel

Hold onto those who you love tightly, nothing lasts forever.

Patience is a Virtue??

Hi Everyone!

Amazing i know! to write in this thing two times in the space of only mere weeks! Writing phases i guess...

This time i wanted to talk a bit about something that has been driving me crazy over the past weeks, patience!!

As i am moderately sure those who know me would agree, i am quite a patient person. I am patient for a living... I am usually quite calm, controlled and can wait for things without getting too impatient. At the moment however, the universe is giving me a little lesson in patience.
As i mentioned in my last blog, i have been through waves of feeling spiritual and in tune, and not. Well i am still in the middle of a big NOT...

Unfortunately with this NOT comes FORGETTING what is important in life. I remember back to the time when i would never get worked up over waiting for something tangible. Let alone FRETTING for something tangible. But here I am, currently waiting for several tangible impending items or events which i could live without! But i must admit, i am quite happy to be driving myself batty over them. A new car, 6 weeks off work with an amazing holiday, a big party, a new camera.. this is the month of THINGS... that unfortunately i have to WAIT FOR!!!
So why, when i have all the resources within me to refrain from becoming irritated... all the resources to take things as they are and be thankful for what i have! So why do i want MORE AND MORE, and WANT to want more and more??? Is this spiritual lull so low that i would forget the things that really matter?? My mental health? My stress levels?? Why am i intent at the moment on working myself up over waiting for THINGS???

If today was my last day on earth, i would look down (or up or across or into - depending on what happens after we die really...) and be so ashamed of myself right now. I have lost my mojo! Lost my patience. Lost my ability to think; "Hey Mel... another week before you get your car is not the end of the world!"

Anyway i am sure that there is a lesson here for me somewhere... for example, perhaps all the waiting will be worth it... Or maybe I will crash my car the day i get it... I'm hoping its not the latter.

Warm waiting wishes!

Mel xoxo

PS- All this writing about it has actually made the tangible things seem not quite so urgent... Lets see how long i can hold it for...

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Patience is waiting, but not passively waiting... That is laziness.

(Hmm i think they are onto something here........)

Waves and calm waters

I read somewhere that life moves in waves. I guess thats true. You spend some time at the bottom for a while dreaming of the top and then little things happen and you start to move up a bit. Sometimes you climb a little way and then find yourself going back down again, and other times you suddenly and unexpectedly go up so quickly that you can't keep up! Other times you just get stuck dead calm waters, not really going anywhere... or the waves are all around you, and you are looking at them, and you can feel their movement... but you just can't seem to catch one!

For me my spirituality seems to go in waves. For 12 months there or so I was so tuned in. I was always happy and calm and content, I was always interested in improving myself and was so into making my mind healthy! I was good at not letting minor things get to me, and living as much in the moment that i could... But now I continue in a spiritual lull.
Luckily all the work that i put in improving myself and my coping abilities makes me content in the fact that everything is temporary, nothing lasts forever. We cant always be at the top!

What is really interesting in this whole thing, is that while my spiritual lull continues, my life has been really wonderful. My career is going along well, my friendships are good and my relationship is absolutely wonderful.
So i am not in a bad place at all, by any means! Things in my tangable life are better than they have ever been!!

But back there in the background i am feeling more disconnected from myself and the universe. Although as the wise Buddha once said, the middle way is the way to go...

Perhaps a lovely European holiday will help with my "universe connection" problem. Perhaps the reception will be better over there for a while...? And writing seems to make me feel better, so i shall write and write and write... www.melsholiday.blogspot.com

In the meantime, keep on truckin'

Mel xo


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Those who discover the middle way are like suns. They appear to be in motion, but in reality they make their stand at the midway point. - JJ Dewey

Episode 6 - Vegetarianism

Hi everyone,


I wanted to write about being a vegetarian today, because it is something that has been on my mind lately. I have a feeling though, that its going to turn more into a bit of a whinge...

Up until about 7 months ago, i was a big meat-eater. I would have meat every day. Chicken, beef, pork, bacon... I would eat it all... I always did have a small objection to eating meat, as i am sure a lot of you also have. I would stop for a few seconds before i ate it and thought to myself "Gee, this is a living creature". But I suppose due to the conditioning I have had all my life (being: eat meat, its good for you), the few seconds would only ever be that, a few seconds... And then i was chowing down on the cooked flesh of another creature...

When people ask me (and they ask me a lot, almost someone everyday) why I became a vegetarian, I usually give them some story about feeling sick if i eat meat, or "my body feels better now I don't eat it", which is not a lie... But they have nothing to do with why I stopped eating it.
Sometimes I even use the vipassana meditation I went to as an excuse. I know I shouldn't . I should just be open and honest. But I have noticed that a lot of people are plain rude to me about my non meat eating...

So then, why don't I eat meat anymore??

Because I just don't FRIGGING want to!

I do not want to eat the flesh of another animal!!!

Oh that feels so nice to say that! I am so sick of making excuses for the food I eat, or apologise for the food that I don't eat.

As hippy as this may sound: I believe that ALL life is precious. Fundamentally, down to the smaller units of matter, there is not one thing separating me from another living creature.
I do not want to eat another creature that may have a soul, that looks through its own eyes... That has its own thoughts...

So call me crazy, but I DON'T WANT TO EAT MEAT!!! So why do people look at me as though i should have come out of some mental institution, or escaped from some circus tent when I tell them that I don't eat meat!!?? Why do I find that I have to LIE to them, to make MYSELF feel better??

I am determined now, that the next person that asks me why i have "converted" to the vego clan, I am going to be honest with. I am going to say "I just didn't want to eat meat anymore".

I think that people get defensive. They think that just because I don't eat meat, that I am going to protest against the fact that they do, and make them feel bad for eating meat. Well I am sure that a lot of vegetarians do, but not me. I am not a converter... I am not going to tell someone off for something I had been doing myself for 26 years!!! Can't we all just get along??

I am vegetarian, and proud of it!! So stop giving me shit!!

Mel xoxoxo


You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, ill buy you a new car.

- Harvey Diamond

Episode 5 - A Harsh Lesson

Ah the 5th episode. I dont really know what this episode is going to be about, so i am going to wing it. I have had the urge to write and instead of supressing it, i have decided to just start typing. Only question is, where the hell am i going to start??

I have blabbed on in my blogs about some issues that are close to my heart. Really close to my heart. About being still, and being in the moment, and not allowing yourself to get caught up in trivial life issues. About letting go, and that everything changes, to enjoy silence and solitude.. To go with the flow of life and all that jazz...

Well ladies and gentlemen, for those of you who thought that i actually had it... For those of you who thought "Wow... Mel seems to have her shit sorted..." I would like to face the music so to speak, and admit what a complete loon I have been in the last 1.5 months... And how NOT sorted my shit has been...

Without getting too personal, after all this is a PUBLIC blog, that every Tom, Dick, Harry and potential ex husband is able to read *EKKK*, lets just say that these last one and a half months have been somewhat of a rollercoaster ride. Incredible highs, rock bottom lows... I am sure that all of you can relate. Anyway, the point is not what is actually happening... Its what has happened to my strength so to speak... Its about where i am at on the inside, and how the hell i get out of here and back to some sort of spiritual sanity!!??


I have seen many people close to me lose their way at times... Feel lost and alone. I am sure we have all been there. Something happens, and catches us at a low point, and BOOM!! The world metaphorically comes crashing down on us and we don't know what to do. I dont think we would quite be human if this didn't happen. What really interests me about these times though, is that we FORGET. We forget who we really are, and the strength we REALLY posess, and we get wrapped up in the drama. We get into this habit of feeling sorry for ourselves, and we dwell in it. We enjoy it almost. Its like a vaccum that sucks you back in. But where is the line? Where does it become unhealthy?

Its interesting how each different person reacts differently. Some people can't even see outside the vaccum they are in... There is no talking to some people... Others see glimpses, but are unable to step away... Or they see that they are able to, but believe they lack the power to move... Others spot it straight away and out they come...

As for me, after being on this ride for a month and a half, i have began to step back a little. To start being more aware. And let me tell you, it is so much better on this side of the fence. Although, to look back at the way i have reacted to things, and felt about things, and dealt with things, makes me very upset with myself!!! What happened?? Why have i been feeling so miserable?? How have i let a situation that i cannot control, effect me so much? Even the really wonderful times of the immediate past, have been tainted with this storm cloud that keeps crashing lightning down on me... And the really funny thing, is that i always HAVE been in control. I am in complete control of how i allow things to effect me. I KNOW THIS!! I have EXPERIENCED this!!! So how come i have let myself get so lost??? And even more importantly, HOW DO I FIX IT?? How do i get out and prevent getting sucked back in again??

Perhaps the answer to this question lies in the approach... I am going to jump out of myself completely for a moment and i am going to pretend that this is not me. What would i say if this were one of my friends going through this? What words of wisdom would i give? What inspirational speeches would i make?
First up i would suggest that they meditate. To get some peace and quiet from their mind for a while. To try and stop the constant mind chatter... To connect with themselves on a deeper level. EVERY DAY...
Secondly, I would suggest that they watch their thoughts and not become intertwined in their thoughts. Isn't that what every new age self help book is saying nowadays??
I would suggest that they keep a diary and keep getting everything out. A blog perhaps?
I would suggest that they converse with a bunch of crazy like-minded people who can help them through it. I would tell them to look up at the stars, to read books, to practice gratitude, to look for more meaning in little things, do some tarot or affirmation cards, i would tell them to practice the law of attraction!! What is the ironic thing about all of this?? (other than the obvious hippy factor??)

IM NOT DOING ANY OF THIS!!

No wonder i have been feeling frigging miserable!! I have been trying to avoid feeling miserable so much that i have not realised that i have been miserable. And i have been desperatly trying to hold on to the moments that are NOT miserable so much that I have not been able to fully embrace those moments... All my efforts to avoid misery, have led to MORE misery........ Jesus!!! the Buddhists are RIGHT!!! Far out!!! Why do we humans do this to ourselves??? No wonder we spend so many lifetimes trying to get it right!!! It seems almost impossible!!

So what now? Where do i go from here? Stay positive... keep meditating... FULLY ENJOY EACH MOMENT, no matter what is happening somewhere/some-when else... Stay cheerful, enjoy the lack of control...

One step at at time... One day at a time... At least i can feel the old spiritually sane Mel coming back!! And its about bloody time!!!!!!!!

Mel xoxo

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"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Seperate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which is always as it is."
- Eckhart Tolle