Down the rabbit hole... again...

Hi Everyone!

Thanks to those of you who have read my blog, especially the last one, and contacted me with your kind words!

So, today I am going to blab on a little bit as per usual, and give you my thoughts about Wednesday!!
Wednesday I head back to Vipassana for another 10 day silent meditation course.

I am hearing two things a lot at the moment. Firstly, when i tell people that i am doing a 10 day Buddhist silent meditation course, they say "I COULD NEVER DO THAT!!!"... Let me assure you, that if I can do it, YOU can do it... I talk more than most people put together I am sure...

The second thing that I hear is "Why would you want to do that again??" So here is my answer...

Over the past year, no over a year now, I have been feeling a little disconnected with my spiritual side. Two years ago, I was in a very different place spiritually. I felt connected and happy, and i know that over time, i have let my habitual thoughts take shape again, and push me into a bit of a tedious existence. Not that anything is wrong with my life, on the contrary, things are great... But I feel that when things were worse, i was looking more at the positives, and finding the good things in all the crap... Now that I have gotten rid of the crap, I keep looking for it. Its like i want to bathe in the bad things. So even the wonderful things in my life i am looking negatively at!

One thing i am aware of though, is my awareness of these negative habitual thought patterns. I am aware that i am not quite right, i am aware that I need to fix things... But i keep looking backwards. Why cant things be like they used to be?? Why can't I be connected like i used to be??
The answer?? Because we can never relive our past. Nothing will ever be exactly the same again as it was at any time in the past. Everything changes and evolves. We change and evolve. At a time in my past where I used to have such instability in my life, I found stability in looking at the spiritual side. And now that I have a lot of stability, I am still looking for it elsewhere.
I am fully aware that I will never be "completely content", until I realise, not just in my analytical thoughts, but ACTUALLY FEEL deep down there somewhere, that I am already content, and just get out of these negative thought patterns.
But, its much easier said than done... When i have glimpses of relief, when I realise that there is nothing ever really wrong in the moment that we are in, it is wonderful... But then something will happen. Something stupidly small, and i will find myself lost again.

The last time that I did vipassana, I began to learn how to let go of the thoughts in my head. I started to BELIEVE and FEEL deep in my being, that there is no such thing as unhappiness outside of our thoughts... That "happiness" and "unhappiness" are just words to express where our thoughts are at. And that if we let go of our thoughts, there is just nothing... which ironically, is more beautiful than all the happiness you could imagine.

So, bring on the sore legs, the back aches, muscle cramps and physical pain of hours upon hours of meditating... Bring on the silence and not having to bitch, and whinge and chat chat chat chat!!! Gosh! I am so excited!!! I cant wait to take a holiday from my head!!!

Love to all! Catch ya in 10 days or so!!

Mel xoxo