Episode 5 - A Harsh Lesson

Ah the 5th episode. I dont really know what this episode is going to be about, so i am going to wing it. I have had the urge to write and instead of supressing it, i have decided to just start typing. Only question is, where the hell am i going to start??

I have blabbed on in my blogs about some issues that are close to my heart. Really close to my heart. About being still, and being in the moment, and not allowing yourself to get caught up in trivial life issues. About letting go, and that everything changes, to enjoy silence and solitude.. To go with the flow of life and all that jazz...

Well ladies and gentlemen, for those of you who thought that i actually had it... For those of you who thought "Wow... Mel seems to have her shit sorted..." I would like to face the music so to speak, and admit what a complete loon I have been in the last 1.5 months... And how NOT sorted my shit has been...

Without getting too personal, after all this is a PUBLIC blog, that every Tom, Dick, Harry and potential ex husband is able to read *EKKK*, lets just say that these last one and a half months have been somewhat of a rollercoaster ride. Incredible highs, rock bottom lows... I am sure that all of you can relate. Anyway, the point is not what is actually happening... Its what has happened to my strength so to speak... Its about where i am at on the inside, and how the hell i get out of here and back to some sort of spiritual sanity!!??


I have seen many people close to me lose their way at times... Feel lost and alone. I am sure we have all been there. Something happens, and catches us at a low point, and BOOM!! The world metaphorically comes crashing down on us and we don't know what to do. I dont think we would quite be human if this didn't happen. What really interests me about these times though, is that we FORGET. We forget who we really are, and the strength we REALLY posess, and we get wrapped up in the drama. We get into this habit of feeling sorry for ourselves, and we dwell in it. We enjoy it almost. Its like a vaccum that sucks you back in. But where is the line? Where does it become unhealthy?

Its interesting how each different person reacts differently. Some people can't even see outside the vaccum they are in... There is no talking to some people... Others see glimpses, but are unable to step away... Or they see that they are able to, but believe they lack the power to move... Others spot it straight away and out they come...

As for me, after being on this ride for a month and a half, i have began to step back a little. To start being more aware. And let me tell you, it is so much better on this side of the fence. Although, to look back at the way i have reacted to things, and felt about things, and dealt with things, makes me very upset with myself!!! What happened?? Why have i been feeling so miserable?? How have i let a situation that i cannot control, effect me so much? Even the really wonderful times of the immediate past, have been tainted with this storm cloud that keeps crashing lightning down on me... And the really funny thing, is that i always HAVE been in control. I am in complete control of how i allow things to effect me. I KNOW THIS!! I have EXPERIENCED this!!! So how come i have let myself get so lost??? And even more importantly, HOW DO I FIX IT?? How do i get out and prevent getting sucked back in again??

Perhaps the answer to this question lies in the approach... I am going to jump out of myself completely for a moment and i am going to pretend that this is not me. What would i say if this were one of my friends going through this? What words of wisdom would i give? What inspirational speeches would i make?
First up i would suggest that they meditate. To get some peace and quiet from their mind for a while. To try and stop the constant mind chatter... To connect with themselves on a deeper level. EVERY DAY...
Secondly, I would suggest that they watch their thoughts and not become intertwined in their thoughts. Isn't that what every new age self help book is saying nowadays??
I would suggest that they keep a diary and keep getting everything out. A blog perhaps?
I would suggest that they converse with a bunch of crazy like-minded people who can help them through it. I would tell them to look up at the stars, to read books, to practice gratitude, to look for more meaning in little things, do some tarot or affirmation cards, i would tell them to practice the law of attraction!! What is the ironic thing about all of this?? (other than the obvious hippy factor??)

IM NOT DOING ANY OF THIS!!

No wonder i have been feeling frigging miserable!! I have been trying to avoid feeling miserable so much that i have not realised that i have been miserable. And i have been desperatly trying to hold on to the moments that are NOT miserable so much that I have not been able to fully embrace those moments... All my efforts to avoid misery, have led to MORE misery........ Jesus!!! the Buddhists are RIGHT!!! Far out!!! Why do we humans do this to ourselves??? No wonder we spend so many lifetimes trying to get it right!!! It seems almost impossible!!

So what now? Where do i go from here? Stay positive... keep meditating... FULLY ENJOY EACH MOMENT, no matter what is happening somewhere/some-when else... Stay cheerful, enjoy the lack of control...

One step at at time... One day at a time... At least i can feel the old spiritually sane Mel coming back!! And its about bloody time!!!!!!!!

Mel xoxo

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"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Seperate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which is always as it is."
- Eckhart Tolle