Hi everyone!
Sorry that this episode is a bit later than i would have wanted!! I had quite a busy stress-filled week and when i did sit down and try to write, nothing with any intensity or passion surfaced... Is this what you call "writers block"??? Feels more like an inspiration halt if you ask me!
But now i am in much better spirits and really want to get back into writing again! So there is heaps of stuff that i want to write about, but i wouldn't want to bombard you with too much stuff, so i will pick one topic that has been an inspiration to me over the last week or so...
That last class i did (that i mentioned in my last blog), re-sparked an interest in finding out more about Buddhism... And i thought, what the hell... While i am discovering, i might share it with you... for those of you who know about it already it will be a brief refresher, but for those of you who are like me.. (complete Buddhist novices)... then hopefully this will be a fun insight into the world of the Buddha. And for me, i get to find out about it, write about it, and be social and share it at the same time! Again I have this time management thing down pat!!
So first up, i thought i would explain a little about why i am interested in this particular religion at the moment. For those of you who know me, you would know that i am far from religious, honestly I use gods name in vain a whole lot more than i should, do not exactly lead the most wholesome of lives, and i am not one to fall for crap... so why all of a sudden am i interested in this??
To be honest, it is not something i even thought about looking into before a year ago... I never had any need to find out anything about it... As far as i was aware, i was living my life, care-free, content, happy, secure... I never had any reason to question my life or anything in it... So then comes the big turn around, the big change that causes the perception shift... in my case it was the breakdown of my marriage... the pieces of the puzzle have finally been thrown onto the board and for once i realise the truth... That i didn't have all the pieces i thought i did, and the puzzle was much larger than i ever imagined... This young woman, who had never before questioned the "meaning of life", and thought that philosophy was for "people with no life", is suddenly finding herself realising that her life was indeed a massive lie... An illusion, with emotions that existed only in her mind... And she starts to put it all together.. EVERYTHING is in her mind...
It all really came to a climax after a few months of meditating on a regular basis, attempting to quiet the crap going on... I was at work of all places.. I don't exactly remember the specifics, but if its anything like normal, i was probably running late... anyway, i was in the change room and i was rushing to take off my scrubs and go home for the evening... I was pulling off my pants and hopping on one leg (as you do) trying to manage my shoes at the same time, when my leg bashed the wooden bench... I suppose "bashed" is an understatement actually... Considering the huge bruise that formed as soon as it happened... You know that feeling when you hear the bang, and the pain comes, and the pain is so tremendous that you just don't know what to do??? You feel like yelling (and using gods name in vain again) or screaming, or just to whack your arm against the wall because you think "Hey maybe if i feel pain somewhere else it wont hurt so bad in my leg!!!??" well those options were going through my head for a split second, and then it just stopped... Out of nowhere it stopped... Not the pain mind you, but the attachment of the pain... I could feel my leg, but i was disassociated from the agony.. my mind was quiet. And i sat down on that same wooden bench, and i just was...
I'm not sure how long this feeling lasted, it felt like forever, but it could not have been more than a few minutes and i stood up, and finished getting dressed, and hobbled out of there...
The first thing i thought of honestly, was "Gee... I believe it now when people can have operations without anaesthesia..." If somebody could do for a few hours, what i just did for a few minutes, then anything is possible... The second thing i thought of, was that if i could block out such a terrible pain in my leg... Then i could block out any emotion, or any thought... and be still... what a wonderful feeling... Imagine being free of all problems... Even just for a little while... Imagine not being in pain, or depressed, or sick... even if just for a moment... be completely still...
So this leads me to Buddhism... I have not been able to feel that beautiful stillness in its intensity since then, and i long for that feeling again. And through this year of searching for "spirituality", it has led me in numerous ways to Buddhism.
The only experience i have had at all to my recollection with Buddhism was a long time ago i was on a weekend away with a friend of mine when we were much younger, and we went to a festival and saw some Tibetan monks chanting. At the time it was a fun novelty, these bald guys in robes chanting... it was beautiful, but i never got it... Plus there was a little bit of alcohol involved so perhaps i was not in the right state of mind anyway... And that was what i have grown to imagine Buddhists to be... Bald and chanting... Talk about the tip of the iceberg...
The Basics:
Who was the Buddha? - Otherwise known as Siddhartha Gautama, he lived and died 400-500 years BCE. Most sources agree that he was a man who was brought up in a palace, with everything he ever needed. It was predicted at a young age (again according to most sources) that Siddhartha would either become a king if he did not leave the palace walls, or he would become a holy man if he were to leave. So his father kept him in the palace (obviously... a king or a what???) So being rebellious, Siddhartha left at 29 years of age with a horse and carriage, and went out into the kingdom. There he saw what are now referred to as the "four sights". He saw a sick man, an old man, and a dead man. He asked his carriage driver "who does this happen to?" And the driver replied "Everyone". He then saw the fourth sight, a hermit or yogi, and decided to leave this life of luxury to pursue a life dedicated to the eradication of suffering..
What Is the Point of Buddhism? = So,... in my all be it novice and very basic knowledge, ill try to sum it up. Suffering is everywhere... Not just in death and sickness, but in each of us... In our daily lives, in our work, in our relationships, in our families... This suffering is brought on by ourselves, our thoughts and our perceptions... our attachment to our memories and our past and our possible or potential futures... Our attachments to things... It is human nature to be so self absorbed in our lives, in our attachments to objects and people, that who we really are at our core, is lost. At the same time though, we cannot live a life full of just self mortification and 'spirituality'. We cant spend the rest of our lives in deep meditation to gain freedom from our thoughts... A balance is needed. You cannot know freedom and enlightenment, until you know what its like to have suffering.
In Buddhism the "noble path" is often spoken of... And i feel that i should mention it here... Not just because of its posh name, but it is theoretically, the 8 steps to freedom... to view the truth of the world as it is, and not what it appears to be, the intention of harmlessness and freedom, to speak in a truthful way, to act in a non-harmful way, to live a non-harmful livelihood, to consciously make an effort to improve, being aware of the present reality of this moment in ones self, and finally to concentrate, and meditate. Sounds easy enough huh??????????............
Buddhism seems to me, not to be so much a religion, but a way to live. It is an attempt at gaining some clarity from our emotions, and be more at peace with things as they really are. And in all seriousness, don't we need more of that in our life? To not be so consumed with the happenings of the world, but be more at peace with the world itself???
So, bring on the chanting i say!! I am off to gain a better understanding of this fascinating "religion" and the workings of my mind and consciousness... I don't know how, when or where to do this... but i will keep you posted...
Melissa
Mels Quote of the Week:
'Liberation can only be gained by practice, never by discussion'
SN Goenka
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Episode 1: Back to Kindy
So right now i write this sitting on the couch thoroughly and utterly exhausted. No, i didn't just do a big run... No i didn't do any weights at the gym... In fact the physical activity in which i participated in today could be actually placed in the "Lazy" category... No.. I have just finished a grueling three days of spiritual activity!!!
So when i signed up for this holistic counselling course, and signed up for one of the subjects as a three day "intensive" class to save time on a week to week basis... I guess i wasn't really anticipating the INTENSIVE part (One thing that i will be careful not to do in future!!).
The subject was called "Introduction to life care". Even the title of this class sounds lovely doesn't it?? Life care?? What could that mean?? The care of your life?? The care of life in general?? Whatever it was, i was looking forward to a nice peaceful class on this "life care", in which i would sit with other people and talk about life and care, and drink hot chocolate and stroll home where i would go about my regular late night activities of watching television and web surfing... Then retire to the realm of sleep, and be energised for another hot chocolate conversation session the next morning... Oh how naive i was!!
Little did i know that this little subject was going to emotionally drain me like i have never been drained before... Take me where i have never been before, and give me a whole new appreciation for not only my life, but the life on and of the entire planet!!
Firstly, after meeting the lovely teacher, who is a Buddhist counsellor, and introducing ourselves and sharing what our passion is, (Apparently my 'passion' is my work... how sad is that???!!!!) we were asked to grab the crayons and a piece of paper, and were asked to draw our "souls". Now this is not as easy as it may seem. How does one draw their soul?? Give it a go, seriously, its not easy. And funny enough, right there in the first hour was where the first issue of mine came to the surface... Why was i having such trouble putting crayon to paper? Why was everyone else going for it, while i was there crayon in hand ready to go but coming up with nothing..
I realised that i didn't want to draw because i think i am crap at it. I have no hesitation in admitting this, i cant draw for shit. Never have been able to. But why did i think that?? Is this something that i have always thought? I mean sure, i think i have always realised that i was no Picasso (and i have been to the museum in Barcelona, he is not THAT good...), but why did i believe that i was so horribly terrible at drawing or being artistic that if anyone saw it they would laugh loudly at me and my attempt and i would rip up the paper and storm out of the room...? Later on after a deep conversation with a fellow 'life carer', i realised it was because of an old art teacher i had.
Sure, i was never really good, but what do you do with a kid who has no artistic skill, but is forced to do art??? Well this teacher would say to me "Melissa, you are really not very good at this are you..." She used to get frustrated with me if i couldn't draw the things that she wanted, or if i got the dimensions wrong. So how does a young girl react to that kind of criticism?? Well obviously she shuts down all her artistic urges and never puts crayon to paper again!!
So that's what i did... and i have never drawn anything since then. 13 years it has been since i have ever drawn ANYTHING!!! How amazing is that!! That one thing that one person says can completely distort your view on the world and take away something wonderful. Or should i say, it was my REACTION to what she said. Nobody can make you do or think something negative about yourself unless you allow that on some level.
So that was my crash start to 'life care'. And boy, did the issues keep coming... I wont go into many more here, there were some big some smaller, some stupid, some very very deep.
One thing i do want to touch on though, is the planet...
No please don't fret! I have not become some crazy greenie (not that there is anything wrong with that...) I have not bought some paint to climb up a large building to write a protest...But i have come to a few little inner realisations... One of the things that this life care class was emphasising was the importance and beauty of "Mother Earth". Now i am not quite evolved enough in my thinking to call her "mother earth" without inverted commas... But it is not the label that is important. Its the planet. The place that we live...
We saw a video on the earth called the global brain, and although i realise that it is just one person's opinion and it was slightly biased, it really hit some home truths. The biggest realisation i came to, is that we, as a species are really ruining the planet that we live on!
Now i know we hear this all the time, from the matrix to documentaries by ex vice presidents, the message has been around for a very long time. But for some reason, it may have been the energy of the class in general, with all the other people there too, but somewhere within the depths of me started stirring... I'm not just talking about the whole greenhouse effect thing. Which is huge in itself! (if you believe it all), but the whole fact that we are (and i don't mean to be too negative here, but i do think it will come out like this...) literally a cancer on this planet. If you believe that the earth is a living thing, we are the cells that have mutated, multiplied by tremendous proportions, and produce so much waste that the planet is having trouble keeping up with us. We are destroying the planet! And we talk about this, and we watch our documentaries, but how much is that actually having an effect on anything...??
I realise that all life does this to some extent. Even if human beings were not on this planet, the other animals still produce waste, but it is in much more of a balance. And when you look up to the stars and the universe, i cant help but wonder if "life" as we know it here on earth, is not a 'devine plan', but nothing more than a freak accident. I am sure that we are not the only living beings in the universe, when you look at all the billions of stars in our galaxy, and look at the other BILLIONS of galaxies out there with their TRILLIONS of stars, it is mathematically impossible for us to be the only life... But still, to see the other planets in our solar system with their baron landscapes, intolerable temperatures and gases that are incompatible with life, it makes me feel that we are nothing but a lucky mistake of atoms. Does this ever make you feel insignificant??
I went away up north a few months ago and was away from the city, i LOVED being able to look up at the stars, you can barely see them in Sydney... So when i literally lay down on the beach and looked up at the beautiful magnificence of the galaxy that we live in, i tried to explain this to my friend. She told me that the way i was describing this made her feel very insignificant. That there was no point to existence at all, that we are nothing but a speck of sand on the beach that i was lying on. I could understand her reasoning, but at the same time, the same facts actually made me feel quite secure. Looking up at the vastness, i couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of belonging*... That i was part of something magnificent and wonderful. It put all my petty little life problems into perspective. And to think that one day i will be nothing more than a different part of the whole, not in the physical realm, gave me a few blissful moments where my mortality did not scare me, my mind wasn't in the way, and i was nothing more than a beautiful part of a beautiful universe. Now that i look back though, these are the moments that i strive for. But i find it hard to strive for that peace and serenity that i know is already there somewhere, if i cant see the stars....
Our planet is a beautiful and wondrous place. And if we are polluting ourselves to extinction, i cant help but think that we deserve it, and the only thing that reassures me, is that we will still in some way, be part of the greater whole, and that hopefully our planet will be able to heal.
So anyway, to cut a very long essay short, the weekend class has changed my inner feeling on topics that i have already pondered mentally, and hopefully this is a change for the long term!
I hope that you enjoyed this first "blog", i have really enjoyed and felt inspired writing it, please feel free to let anyone read it who wants to. I don't care how many people think i am a loon!! I AM a loon!!
Thanks for listening to my ramblings!!
Mel
* Funny note here, notice how the way that someone looks at something COMPLETELY can change their whole outlook. The same facts to two completely different people can cause such a dramatically different effect on their emotional system!! My friends insignificance to my magnificent wonder!!!
So when i signed up for this holistic counselling course, and signed up for one of the subjects as a three day "intensive" class to save time on a week to week basis... I guess i wasn't really anticipating the INTENSIVE part (One thing that i will be careful not to do in future!!).
The subject was called "Introduction to life care". Even the title of this class sounds lovely doesn't it?? Life care?? What could that mean?? The care of your life?? The care of life in general?? Whatever it was, i was looking forward to a nice peaceful class on this "life care", in which i would sit with other people and talk about life and care, and drink hot chocolate and stroll home where i would go about my regular late night activities of watching television and web surfing... Then retire to the realm of sleep, and be energised for another hot chocolate conversation session the next morning... Oh how naive i was!!
Little did i know that this little subject was going to emotionally drain me like i have never been drained before... Take me where i have never been before, and give me a whole new appreciation for not only my life, but the life on and of the entire planet!!
Firstly, after meeting the lovely teacher, who is a Buddhist counsellor, and introducing ourselves and sharing what our passion is, (Apparently my 'passion' is my work... how sad is that???!!!!) we were asked to grab the crayons and a piece of paper, and were asked to draw our "souls". Now this is not as easy as it may seem. How does one draw their soul?? Give it a go, seriously, its not easy. And funny enough, right there in the first hour was where the first issue of mine came to the surface... Why was i having such trouble putting crayon to paper? Why was everyone else going for it, while i was there crayon in hand ready to go but coming up with nothing..
I realised that i didn't want to draw because i think i am crap at it. I have no hesitation in admitting this, i cant draw for shit. Never have been able to. But why did i think that?? Is this something that i have always thought? I mean sure, i think i have always realised that i was no Picasso (and i have been to the museum in Barcelona, he is not THAT good...), but why did i believe that i was so horribly terrible at drawing or being artistic that if anyone saw it they would laugh loudly at me and my attempt and i would rip up the paper and storm out of the room...? Later on after a deep conversation with a fellow 'life carer', i realised it was because of an old art teacher i had.
Sure, i was never really good, but what do you do with a kid who has no artistic skill, but is forced to do art??? Well this teacher would say to me "Melissa, you are really not very good at this are you..." She used to get frustrated with me if i couldn't draw the things that she wanted, or if i got the dimensions wrong. So how does a young girl react to that kind of criticism?? Well obviously she shuts down all her artistic urges and never puts crayon to paper again!!
So that's what i did... and i have never drawn anything since then. 13 years it has been since i have ever drawn ANYTHING!!! How amazing is that!! That one thing that one person says can completely distort your view on the world and take away something wonderful. Or should i say, it was my REACTION to what she said. Nobody can make you do or think something negative about yourself unless you allow that on some level.
So that was my crash start to 'life care'. And boy, did the issues keep coming... I wont go into many more here, there were some big some smaller, some stupid, some very very deep.
One thing i do want to touch on though, is the planet...
No please don't fret! I have not become some crazy greenie (not that there is anything wrong with that...) I have not bought some paint to climb up a large building to write a protest...But i have come to a few little inner realisations... One of the things that this life care class was emphasising was the importance and beauty of "Mother Earth". Now i am not quite evolved enough in my thinking to call her "mother earth" without inverted commas... But it is not the label that is important. Its the planet. The place that we live...
We saw a video on the earth called the global brain, and although i realise that it is just one person's opinion and it was slightly biased, it really hit some home truths. The biggest realisation i came to, is that we, as a species are really ruining the planet that we live on!
Now i know we hear this all the time, from the matrix to documentaries by ex vice presidents, the message has been around for a very long time. But for some reason, it may have been the energy of the class in general, with all the other people there too, but somewhere within the depths of me started stirring... I'm not just talking about the whole greenhouse effect thing. Which is huge in itself! (if you believe it all), but the whole fact that we are (and i don't mean to be too negative here, but i do think it will come out like this...) literally a cancer on this planet. If you believe that the earth is a living thing, we are the cells that have mutated, multiplied by tremendous proportions, and produce so much waste that the planet is having trouble keeping up with us. We are destroying the planet! And we talk about this, and we watch our documentaries, but how much is that actually having an effect on anything...??
I realise that all life does this to some extent. Even if human beings were not on this planet, the other animals still produce waste, but it is in much more of a balance. And when you look up to the stars and the universe, i cant help but wonder if "life" as we know it here on earth, is not a 'devine plan', but nothing more than a freak accident. I am sure that we are not the only living beings in the universe, when you look at all the billions of stars in our galaxy, and look at the other BILLIONS of galaxies out there with their TRILLIONS of stars, it is mathematically impossible for us to be the only life... But still, to see the other planets in our solar system with their baron landscapes, intolerable temperatures and gases that are incompatible with life, it makes me feel that we are nothing but a lucky mistake of atoms. Does this ever make you feel insignificant??
I went away up north a few months ago and was away from the city, i LOVED being able to look up at the stars, you can barely see them in Sydney... So when i literally lay down on the beach and looked up at the beautiful magnificence of the galaxy that we live in, i tried to explain this to my friend. She told me that the way i was describing this made her feel very insignificant. That there was no point to existence at all, that we are nothing but a speck of sand on the beach that i was lying on. I could understand her reasoning, but at the same time, the same facts actually made me feel quite secure. Looking up at the vastness, i couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of belonging*... That i was part of something magnificent and wonderful. It put all my petty little life problems into perspective. And to think that one day i will be nothing more than a different part of the whole, not in the physical realm, gave me a few blissful moments where my mortality did not scare me, my mind wasn't in the way, and i was nothing more than a beautiful part of a beautiful universe. Now that i look back though, these are the moments that i strive for. But i find it hard to strive for that peace and serenity that i know is already there somewhere, if i cant see the stars....
Our planet is a beautiful and wondrous place. And if we are polluting ourselves to extinction, i cant help but think that we deserve it, and the only thing that reassures me, is that we will still in some way, be part of the greater whole, and that hopefully our planet will be able to heal.
So anyway, to cut a very long essay short, the weekend class has changed my inner feeling on topics that i have already pondered mentally, and hopefully this is a change for the long term!
I hope that you enjoyed this first "blog", i have really enjoyed and felt inspired writing it, please feel free to let anyone read it who wants to. I don't care how many people think i am a loon!! I AM a loon!!
Thanks for listening to my ramblings!!
Mel
* Funny note here, notice how the way that someone looks at something COMPLETELY can change their whole outlook. The same facts to two completely different people can cause such a dramatically different effect on their emotional system!! My friends insignificance to my magnificent wonder!!!
Mels Blog Introduction
Hi All!
Because i love creative writing, humor and talking about stuff that has been happening in my life, i have decided to give this whole "Blogging" thing a try. So hopefully here you will find stories of inspiration, things to make you laugh, make you cry, overall though, i just hope that you enjoy reading!!
Mel xoxo
Because i love creative writing, humor and talking about stuff that has been happening in my life, i have decided to give this whole "Blogging" thing a try. So hopefully here you will find stories of inspiration, things to make you laugh, make you cry, overall though, i just hope that you enjoy reading!!
Mel xoxo
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